I won't cry, Momma.

We had to change Jake's G Tube today because the current one had gotten brittle and couldn't be closed anymore.  It's never an easy thing to do, but today was hard.  It was completely different from any of the other times that we have put in a feeding tube, whether NG in his nose or G in his belly.  Why was that? Jake's awareness of what was happening.  Jake completely broke my heart, and Jon's, in the lead up to putting it in.  As we did the prep work Jake noticed what was happening and said "No, don't do it", and shortly after followed with "it's going to hurt" and genuine fear on his face.  I told him that we loved him so very much and would do it as quickly as we could, and explained why we had to do it so he could understand a little more.  Then...he looked me in the eye and said "I won't cry, Momma." He was trying to make me feel better, and to protect me from the unpleasantness --- what an incredible thought process for his three year old mind.

When Jake had his NG tube, which needed to be replaced frequently because he used to pull it out, or vomit it out, I always placed the tube while Jon held his arms and legs because he would fight it.  I realized today as I watched my husband trying to insert the G tube into Jake's little belly, that I have never placed the G tube.  I am completely comfortable with the tube, but have never tried to put it in myself because I can't bear to be the cause of his pain.  Today was a rough insertion as Jake was flailing around a lot and sometimes its hard to get the tube into that tiny little hole.  My husband is an amazing father - he got that tube in despite it all - I looked at his hands shaking after it was finished, and knew that there are no words to describe that kind of love - to keep going even when it hurts.  I am a lucky woman, and thanking God for Jon today. Jake did cry, and so much that he went to sleep almost immediately after the ordeal, but the thought that he had to say that to me today as if he knew what I needed to hear --- I can't wrap my mind around it.  My Super Baby.  Today has dredged up all my fears about the upcoming Fontan --- Jake can so clearly tell us how he feels now, and what he needs or doesn't like.  It's going to be very hard to watch and listen to.  And I won't lie, I'm scared.  Taking a deep breath now, trying to unwind and let it go for now.  One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

In lighter news...Jake wants a tractor :)