Sideways rain and imperfection

This has been a day of mixed blessings.  It started with a typical Jacob and Momma morning - diaper changes, Enox injection and meds, a feed and then rushing to get ready and out the door to a very important appointment.  Outside it was high winds and sideways pouring rain...typical St. John's weather.  It was nearly impossible to find a parking spot at the hospital, and then I got drenched in the trek from our car to the door.  The blanket I had placed over Jake's carseat to keep him dry was stolen by the wind and we had to chase it across the wet parking lot.  Then we get into the waiting area to register and are told that this very important appointment was in fact YESTERDAY.  Oh dear.  After calling to reschedule, Jake and I headed back to the car and proceeded to become even more soaked with rain.  Once in our car we had 45 minutes to kill until our next appointment at the other side of town, and I had a mini  mental breakdown and sobbed in the car until I called my Mom who as usual knew just the right words to give me the perspective and calmness that I needed.  I felt like I had failed as a Mom at that moment, and that I had let Jacob down by writing the wrong date in my planner.  Once calm, I headed to the nearest Mcdonalds and proceeded to load up on greasy food, which tasted fantastic but made me feel worse afterwards.  At the next appointment the nurse turned out to be a member of my Mom's congregation, who knew Jacob's story, and had so many words of encouragement for me that it was as if God himself had placed her in my path for that very moment.  I sat in the exam room while we chatted thinking in the back of my mind that I serve an awesome God.  Looking back on the morning now I can see the other small blessings peeking out of the awfulness - finally getting a parking spot relatively close to the hospital, the smile on Jacob's face as he peeked out from under the car seat cover at me, the soothing tone of Mom's voice just when I needed to hear it, and finally the perfect person placed in direct contact with myself and Jake at just the right time.

To someone else the events of the morning might not seem like a big deal, but to me it was huge.  Jacob's appointments are the clock that my life has run by for the last 7 months, and this was the first time I had ever missed one.  Mommy guilt has become a pervasive part of my life - I am always feeling guilty for something.  There is always something that I feel I need to do, or am not doing well enough with regards to my kids.  I want to spend more time with Georgia, I want to do more to help Jake learn to eat, I want to do more enrichment and learning activities with Georgia, I want Jake to have the happiest day possible...there is always something more that I want to do, and frequently don't have the time or energy to make happen.  I have been talking to a couple of other Heart Moms for awhile now, and one message comes through repeatedly from them - I am being too hard on  myself.  Sometimes I know this to be true, and other times I just feel like it's all too much for any one person and I have to do the best I can and be satisfied with that.  I know that God doesn't make mistakes, but there have been moments when I have genuinely wondered what He was thinking when he gave me all this responsibility.  I don't know if I can handle it.  But I have been handling it.  And my kids are both doing well.  Everything is far from perfect, but they are happy and well cared for.  My house will never be as tidy as my Sister's house, but it's a home filled with love and covered in toys.  I have to resign myself to this.  And Laura, please come clean my house :) Just kidding, Sis! Life is imperfectly perfect in my house.

Look at this gem from the first time my boy tried carrots:

So sweet.  Orange poop and all :)