I’m sitting in my living room, feeling my baby boy kicking at the laptop where it connects with my growing belly, and I know that I am blessed. But at the same time, I know that life has thrown my family a curveball that we could never have prepared for. I feel the need to say thank you, thank you, thank you to every single person who has taken a moment of their time to say a prayer for baby Jacob or to book a picture session with Vanessa, to give freely of their own money to make a donation for us, or to stop and say an encouraging word to myself or Jon.
It is my own personal struggle not to place blame on myself – when I know, and the doctors have told me over and over – that this heart defect has no known cause. It is not caused by genetics, or by the food I eat, or the face cream I use, or that moment in time when a client blew cigarette smoke into my face…all these and many more scenarios have crossed my mind. Tonight my daughter went to Singing Company for the first time at our church – and although she was too shy to sing a word, I was given a quiet reminder as the children sang the words to a song that I myself have been singing for years.
“He is able, more than able
to accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able, more than able
To handle anything that comes my way”
I need to hold on to my belief that God is in control. If I lose sight of that, than this journey will become too much to bear. I have another 12 weeks until baby Jacob’s due date – and for the time that he is inside my belly he is safe and healthy. So Jon and I have 12 more weeks to cherish this treasure and prepare for the weeks following his birth. I need to enjoy this time, and take care of all the elements that are within my control so that I can give Jacob the best possible chance at life. Then I have to sit back and trust God and the Doctor’s to do the rest. I confided in someone this week that lately I often feel that I am swinging back and forth between hope and fear – back and forth like a monkey on a vine…Tonight I am choosing to hold on to hope, and to not allow the fear to take root. My baby boy is perfect just the way God made him, and when the Doctors are able to fix his little heart than he will become an even greater blessing than he already is. I love you baby Jake. Hang in there.