While sitting back with my feet up this afternoon I turned on a show that I have always liked - A Baby Story. Today I found myself doing more crying than smiling during the show. Part of this is now knowing that I am very unlikely to have a natural birth, that on April 2 I am almost guaranteed to be having a c-section. The main issue for me is that because of the Complete Heart Block, when Jacob is born I will not be able to spend any time holding him before he is whisked away by the medical team to Sick Kids. I've waited so long to meet him, and with the uncertainty of his first week of life with 1-2 surgeries I think it is incredibly unfair that we won't get to bond before he is taken to be started on his meds and all have all those invasive tubes inserted. Another big weight on my shoulders is that Georgia will not be able to meet her little brother until he is out of critical care, which will be around 2-3 weeks old. Georgia is coming up with my Mom and Dad when Jacob is born, and I am so thankful for that. It will do Jon and I worlds of good to be able to see her sweet smile in the midst of such a hard situation. But how do we explain to her where Momma and Daddy are spending all their time and why she can't see her long awaited little brother?
I am feeling supremely cheated by all of these factors.
Having written that, and re-reading it to myself, I also feel like I should not be whining or complaining about the entire situation. Hopefully no one out there is rolling their eyes and thinking that I need to just get over it. I know that we are blessed - baby Jacob is doing well and gaining weight and we just days away from getting on the plane that will take us to the safest place for him to be right now. I know that we are blessed - our family, friends, church and community have rallied around us with prayer, emotional support and offered us a financial cushion that will make this whole experience much easier. I know that we are blessed - Georgia is an amazing four year old who is healthy and happy, and looks just like her Momma. I am so thankful for our little family, and for my wonderful husband with all his love and strength that supports our family.
But today, it all keeps circling in my mind around the fact that I may not get to hold my baby when he is born. I know other Moms will understand this perfectly. I'm getting up off this couch now. Time for some distraction in the form of house cleaning, laundry, and if my energy holds - baking.