3 weeks old today!

Jacob's Pacemaker surgery was a success - the surgeon came out after three hours in the OR and said he was pleased and that there had been no complications.  They had to use the smallest pacemaker which has a battery life of 3-5 years, which means there are more surgeries in store for Jacob - to replace the pacer and the permanent wires - but this is minor in comparison to his Norwood procedure.  The greatest risks associated with the pacer surgery were bleeding when the wires were attached to his heart (which didn't happen!) and infection.

Last night around 4 am Jacob took a turn for the worse and started having trouble with his breathing, which brought his oxygen levels down too low, an elevated white blood cell count and he developed a fever - all markers for a possible infection.  Today was a very rough day for my baby boy.  His breathing is still laboured and although he is breathing on his own he needs the Sipap machine to provide extra oxygen and take some of the pressure off.  Jacob also has fluid build up in his lungs again, and he has been very agitated all day.  This morning one of his draining tubes worked itself free of of its stitches and came out of his belly - this meant that he was open to the air for a short period of time.  After covering him up, an x ray showed that Jacob now had air buildup outside his lungs, which was putting more unnecessary pressure on him when he tried to breathe.  This explained his agitation because the tube coming out causes a burning sensation and what should have been a quick tug free was a prolonged working itself free period, completely unknown to the nurses.  After a long day of being fussy, Jacob seems to have calmed down thanks to morphine, tylenol and probably just plain exhaustion.

After days of holding Jacob whenever we wanted to, it was very tough for me today to not be able to hold him.  Especially when he was agitated and crying and staring straight at me.  I have to confess that I spent most of yesterday and all of today feeling defeated and depressed - I seem to have hit a wall in terms of my personal strength.  Yesterday and today I said to those I loved - I don't know if I can do this.  When I left the hospital today Jacob's fever had broken, but his white blood cell count was still elevated and his is still on Sipap and having issues with his fluid levels and the air buildup in his chest.  It's such a feeling of despair when you finally manage to climb over a mountain only to find that there is another huge mountain blocking the path that leads to health and happiness.  I'm hopeful that Jake will have a good night and will be alert and pain free when I walk into his room in the morning.  Please Lord, let this be.  My dear boy has known very little happiness and comfort in his 3 weeks of life.  

I was very encouraged today by a verse shared with me today by my pastor.  It seems the name Jacob has many encouraging verses in the bible that I was not aware of - It seems to be a fitting name for such a strong little fighter.  Continue to fight, my sweet boy, and soon we will be home and surrounding by those who love you.

Psalm 44:4

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ You are my King and my God,
    who decrees^[a] victories for Jacob.